Ding-Dong, London Calling

Well, not London. But Brussels! Heeeeey.

So I'm still at Starbucks. I had a great review. My boss is searching for a second store for me to go to. Will be there a few months before going for an ASM interview. All good, right?

On Tuesday, I picked up a phantom shift at Queen & Bathurst (they love me). Before I left the house, I checked my e-mail. In it was a note from Annika. Annika is one of the interviewers for the job I applied for at the EUD.

It turns out she has since left the EUD, and is now working as a Parliamentary Assistant to Helga Stevens, a Deaf Member of European Parliament (MEP), also in Brussels. Turns out that they've been daisy-chaining VGT, spoken Dutch and spoken English together, and it's really not effective. They are looking for an ASL-English or BSL-English interpreter to work till the end of the current session (April 2014), and if they like me, they'll keep me until 2019.

Um, WHAT. HI. LET'S CHAT.

So, luckily, I chatted with Annika over the phone. Her first words were, "I bet you have a lot of question!" Yes, I certainly do! Ha-ha-ha. Basically, this offer sounds amazing, except for the whole 10-weeks business. I asked what's the possibility of extension. Turns out that, even if they don't renew my contract, there is other work available within the EP and at the EUD. Main contract is a daily rate, payable in Euros. Cool!

Annika wanted me to interview with Helga and Oliver (main guy running Overseas Interpreting in Paris) the next day. So I did. Erin thought I was crazy for getting my shift covered for super-mysterious reasons.

I had yet another 6:30 AM interview with folks in Strasbourg. The connection was a bit choppy, but I think I did pretty well. They were big on me getting my COI, and me being able to handle the crazy EP language that floats around. The thing lasted about 45 minutes before we ended it. Good stuff, beyond the random disconnect in the middle.

No answer yet. They said they'd be in touch. Nothing yet, so I sent a thank-you e-mail to Annika. It's a thank-you, yes, but also a *poke poke* remember to let me know if I have the job or not.

So. Is Brussels gonna holla at me and bring me back? Let's see.

I'm Alive

I'm alive.

No, seriously. I'm alive. What the hell has happened over the past two months?

Okay, so yeah, I'm still at Starbucks. But these last two-or-so months have been easily some of my darkest days. And I have no idea why.

I don't know what happened, but I guess it was seeing everyone go to school and me being "done" that took some of the wind out of my sails. It suddenly felt hard to do everything. I mean, I could get up and go to work and do a good job. But the communication wasn't really me. It was Starbucks-style communication. How are you? I'll get your latte. That sort of stuff. I didn't have to think about that kind of communication.

But for real, person-to-person communication? I found it harder and harder to talk to people. People texted asking where I was, and if I was OK. And I read them, but... I didn't reply. I don't know why I didn't. Talking to people was legitimately hard. I got anxious because I hadn't texted or communicated in so long that I thought people would be mad. So I put it off even more.

One day, I had a bad - bad  - day. I don't think I smiled all day. I worked in near silence. I didn't want to have anything to do with anybody. Dave texted me, wondering where I had gotten to. And it was easily one of the most vulnerable moments I've ever had.

Do you know how hard it is to admit you may have an issue? Holy Christ. I was literally shaking as I was texting him. Because it's VERY hard to start saying you feel depressed. You're afraid of people overreacting. Oh, you're just having a bad day, they'd say. Voices in my head. Unreal conversations with myself. Cheer up, you're just tired. People have it worse than you.

I texted another friend of mine in Halifax, who immediately gave me some kind words which made me pretty much burst into tears somewhere along Spadina. Might I add, I was walking furiously, which is what I do when I'm super stressed out.

Then I called my doctor.

What I was feeling wasn't right, but I knew that if I left it one moment longer, I would literally never tell anyone that I needed help. I left the nurse a message saying I needed to see him. And wouldn't you know it. The bastard STILL hasn't called back. Remind me to switch doctors.

I got home, and could barely hold it in. Good thing Dad is the level-headed one of the family. It wasn't pretty. I basically relegated myself to the corner of the kitchen because I didn't want to see anyone. Sat alone for the rest of the night. Cried myself to sleep that night wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

It felt like a dark cloud was over me 24/7. I had difficulty understanding people. People pointed out that I looked "sad". There were a few days where I basically just stayed home, because it was easier than going out and doing stuff. And the days where I went out and interacted with people, it was, for the record, completely fake. Sir, your change? Oh, right. Silly me.

One of my bigger "turning points" has been acknowledging this. And acknowledging that people do, in fact, live with that terrible cloud for years before they do anything about it. I'm lucky that 2 months is pretty short. But still. Depression is fucking scary.

Now, it's a little easier to talk to people. I'm starting to come around. I have my days where it feels a little pointless. Like... why? Why bother? Why bother with anything? Who cares about me? Friendship feels so fake sometimes.

But what's especially weird for me is that every single person I've spoken to about this has been immediately supportive and asked what was the matter. Those unreal conversations never happened. It's something like cognitive dissonance. Perhaps I underestimate people.

So yeah. That's where I am right now. I'm still trying to keep my head above water. I haven't posted anything on social media for days. Wondering how I can start "coming back".

But at least I'm alive.

Interpreting Stuff

I'm a freelance American Sign Language-English interpreter. I graduated from my program not-too-long ago.

It's interesting how things are presented in school versus how they are in real life. There's a lot more logistical planning and chasing people than I really expected. Also, it's interesting to work with people that I know who are now looking to hire me for my services as an interpreter.

One of my upcoming gigs is pretty short (45 mins, tops), but is quite complex, and deals with things that I don't know much about. I'm doing my homework for that one. I've found out that things happen either way too slow or way too fast in the "real world". Looking back, school put me on a timeline. The test was on Friday, so you could break your study time down into manageable chunks.

Now, though? I know when my assignment is, but suddenly there are a lot of things that are out of my control. I could always rely on the profs to get back in 24 hours or so, but now? I can't rely on an outside person. I could always rely on being at the right place at the right time, but now? There's no guarantee that I'll be at the right place at the right time. 

This will wreak havoc with my sense of perfectionism and logistical-ish stuff, but y'know, I can be the interpreter that gets it done. I'm good at isolating exactly what I need. 

Not sure where this blog post is going, but I guess my point is that things are really different out in the real world than in school. In school, profs keep you on a schedule. In the real world, your success is measured by how willing you are to stick to it.